What real resilience looks like
A senior leader sat across from me not long ago, describing a team meeting where her people had surfaced their anxiety about the pace of change in the org. She listened with care, nodded, absorbed every word.
"I felt completely at a loss. I didn't know what to say to make them feel better," she told me.
She was uncomfortable seeing people’s worry and wanted to fix it. She felt like she had failed her team somehow, even though she had no influence over the multiple reorgs and recent layoffs. The company’s uncertainty is real, and she can’t pretend otherwise.
And most of us were never taught that sitting with that discomfort is part of the job.
I love Byron Katie’s name for this: other people's feelings are not your business. They are their business to manage.
Taking on your team's emotional response as your personal responsibility is not a good goal, because it's not in your control.
Instead, your responsibility is to deepen your own roots, regulate your emotions, hold yourself straight, with an open mind and heart.
Your job is to stay grounded, be the captain of the ship, show that you truly care, brainstorm solutions, but don't try to fix them.
Your team doesn't need you to soothe their fears. But they do need you to demonstrate what real resilience looks like.
Real resilience is not about having all the answers. It's staying present and grounded while the uncertainty moves through.
You can only build this capacity to be resilient over time.
By constantly expanding your ability to tolerate the discomfort of knowing that people around you might be anxious, frustrated, disagree with your ideas, or worse, not like you. And that’s ok.
Robert Kegan, a developmental psychologist and professor at Harvard, spent decades studying how adults grow. His research found that most high-performing professionals operate from what he called the socialized mind, where their sense of self is organized around meeting others' expectations.
If other people agree with us, like us, we feel safe.
Moving to the next stage, the self-authoring mind, requires tolerating the discomfort of holding a perspective even when others are uncomfortable.
It's making the developmental shift from managing others' experience to leading from your own internal compass.
And that's part of the growing pain of building self trust, and becoming an experienced team leader.
So if you find yourself constantly scanning the room to see how your team reacts to difficult circumstances or a decision you made, it just means you're in hyper-vigilance mode, trying to fix their emotions or get their approval.
I believe that we need to put our emotional awareness and regulation at the center of our self care. If each of us took 20 minutes to meditate, to do what Shirzad Chamine calls mental fitness, we'd be more grounded.
And research shows that being composed under stress is fundamental to creating trust and psychological safety for those around us.
To me, meditation at this point is like flossing. You just can't skip it. It’s an investment, not a cost on your day.
WHAT TO PRACTICE THIS WEEK
When you feel the pressure to have all the answers to your team's concerns, to absorb their emotions, pause, breathe.
You can say something like, "I don't know exactly how this plays out, and I trust we're going to be okay. Here is what I know to be true right now."
Three questions to ask yourself:
Whose discomfort am I actually trying to manage, mine or theirs?
What would I say if I trusted that they could handle the truth?
And, can I relax my body a bit more, even when I’m uncomfortable?
I am practicing this too, both as a coach and a parent. The urge to hold things together is deeply human, and unlearning it is slow, adulting work.
Have a great weekend and talk to you soon!
XO
Ramona
P.S.If you're a leader watching this play out across your team, I can help. Let's talk about what that could look like for your team.
Hi, I’m Ramona, founder and executive leadership coach partnering with senior leaders, founders, and organizations to build the leadership capacity needed to lead effectively through growth, transition, and ambiguity.
I’ve coached leaders and facilitated leadership development for organizations including Google, Meta, Adobe, Cisco, Deloitte, Accenture, Anthropic, Warner Media, Nordstrom, Mars, Vuori, VC firms, and scaling startups, supporting leaders navigating increased scope, complexity, and pressure.
My approach integrates leadership strategy, evidence-based coaching, emotional intelligence, neuroscience, and mindfulness to help leaders think more clearly, communicate more effectively, and lead with authentic confidence as their roles evolve.
My credentials include:
IPEC Certified Leadership Coach | Leadership Circle Profile (LCP) coach | Certified Positive Intelligence Coach | Emotional Intelligence Trainer | Mindfulness Meditation Teacher.
Before coaching, I spent years in senior marketing research and strategy roles at companies including Twitter, eBay, Ancestry, and StubHub, so I deeply understand the pressures of corporate leadership.
I believe that when leaders embody their highest potential, they don’t just advance their careers and organizations—they create ripples of positive change.
