The Leadership Skill No One Taught Us: Emotional Regulation
For years, my hyper-achiever mantra was: “I can do anything I put my mind to.” I believed this was what strength and competence sounded like.
And in many ways, it served me well. But there was one thing that philosophy didn’t account for: the actual state of my nervous system.
Looking back, I wasn’t just driven—I was fried. Reactive. Overextended. Exhausted.
Like so many of my clients who find themselves pushing through—leading during layoffs, navigating reorgs, juggling five roles in one, or making the terrifyingly brave leap into entrepreneurship.
They all reach a moment where something in them says:
“I can’t keep going like this.”
That’s the turning point to pause and choose a different approach.
In the Master Your Mindset: How to Stay Clear and Calm No Matter What’s Happening workshop I led recently, we explored exactly that moment—what happens in our body and mind when we’re under pressure…
And how to stop running on fumes and return to center.
Here are three mindset shifts that changed things for me—and for the brilliant leaders I work with.
Shift #1: A calm presence isn’t a personality trait. It’s a practice.
One client came to me ashamed after snapping at her team. She’d been stuck in back-to-back Zoom meetings all day, with no time to breathe, no space to think.
We worked on a simple reset: a 60-second breath practice between meetings. Just three deep breaths, a hand on the heart, and feet on the ground.
I also like visualizing growing roots into the ground, feeling supported by the earth, and doing a quick body scan—softening the muscles one by one.
That moment of breath is the biological “off switch” for stress. When you slow your breath, your body sends your brain a message: We’re safe now.
Did you know it takes only about 90 seconds for an emotion to move through the body—if we don’t fuel it with more story?
As Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor says:
“After that, any remaining emotional response is just the person choosing to stay in the emotional loop.”
This is the foundation of what I call Inside Out Leadership: regulating your nervous system before taking aligned action.
Because sometimes, clarity doesn’t come from pushing through. It comes from pausing, breathing, and letting your center lead.
Shift #2: Your thoughts aren’t facts. They’re just stories.
One client once told me, “My client paused while giving feedback, and I was convinced she was about to tell me I was failing.”
Instead, her client was trying to find the right words to thank her.
We all carry these scripts:
“This is going to be a disaster.” or “That email means they’re mad at me.”
They feel true. But they’re just stories we’ve repeated for so long, our brains assume they’re facts.
But here’s the beautiful thing: stories can be rewritten.
When you pause and ask:
“What else could be happening here?” or “What’s actually helpful in this moment?”
—you shift into a more creative and empowered place.
What if the email you got isn’t a sign you messed up—but an invitation to get clearer? What if that meeting wasn’t proof you don’t belong—but practice in owning your voice?
When you shift your assumptions, you activate mental flexibility, one of the most essential (and undertrained) leadership skills.
“Reframing my challenge as a growth opportunity totally changed what I believed I could do next,” a client shared.
Shift #3: Confidence isn’t what you start with. It’s what you build.
Most of us wait to feel confident before we take the next brave step. But that’s not how it works.
Confidence isn’t the green light. It’s what grows after you move forward.
I tell clients: just stretch 5–10% beyond your comfort zone. That might mean:
Reaching out on LinkedIn for an introduction to a role you’re excited about
Delegating the project you’ve been white-knuckling
Updating your resume after months of avoidance.
One small step at a time. That’s how momentum builds. That’s how trust in yourself grows.
As Martha Beck says: “Take the next true step.”
If you’ve been walking the tightrope of high performance while longing for deeper peace…
This is your invitation to pause. To breathe, and choose differently.
What wisdom might you hear if you gave yourself permission to slow down?
Let’s explore what becomes possible when you stop performing—and start leading from your center.
With love and belief in your brilliance,
Ramona
P.S. I’m thrilled to share that I’ll be teaching mindfulness meditation again this year at UC Berkeley, through their Learning for Everyone series.
If your organization could benefit from practical tools to support focus, resilience, and emotional regulation, I’d love to bring this work to your next team off-site, or lunch & learn series—just hit reply and let me know.
